I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
question: does your pee smell like mojitos at all?
On the couch having a debate with the dog over whether eating anothr sweet roll will make the hangover better or worse
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
You had your dick do your apologizing for you last night. Apology accepted.
Nhl reached an agreement. I plan on getting me some celebratory sex from a hockey player.
You were drunk it couldn't have been that bad
I've never been drunk enough to enjoy getting a blister on my dick.
Come through the front door when you get here.
Right now I'm so wasted I can't determine whats a door and a window.
I know we were going to go hiking today, but I don’t think I can face reality until Wednesday
I got hella high today and freaked out about life and interest rates
I need to you to send me drugs via FedEx
skipped tacos for a blowjob. No tacos. No blowjob. More importantly...no tacos. Wtf?
I got kicked out of the E.R. for saying "balls".
Right. Cuz nothing screams "You made it!" quite like selling your used underwear to strangers you met on the internet.
Randomize
