This bar is like a mediocre whore house....but free
im not picky. i just want someone whod go down on me while im writing my psych midterm paper. thats not a lot to ask.
It's sad that the best source of heat that I have is my vaporizer.
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
I think I'll bring the beer we scavenged from that other party. What goes around comes around, especially when it's Corona because that shit is not staying in my fridge
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
It's just unfortunate that I still have the image of him having sex with me fresh in my mind
I have the rest of my life to settle down this is totally time for friends and pizza
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
I didn't have anyone to cheers so I tapped my beer on your fish tank... a little too hard
In the last 2 hours I managed to have romantic starlit sex on the beach as the tide came in with not only just a gorgeous man, but one who happens to be Eastern European and finishing Harvard law school.
Oh wow. I want to be you right now.
So drinking that old rum that I found in the ceiling of my dorm was prob not my best idea. But good news: my puke was so colorful b/c of all the skittles i ate
I Projectile vomited a massive question mark on Brent's bedroom wall. Don't tell him it was me. I want him to play the whodunit game.
Randomize
