woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
Dude go to the top of pikes peak right now to catch Kevin Bacon's band performing
The bacon? Yeah right. What if there's Tremors?
Him and Burt have already taken care of that. It's a once in a lifetime chance to catch the Bacon brothers live in concert. I sort of have a boner
ok think of it like jelly beans. if you can learn to like the licorice ones, youll always have lots of them because no one else wants them. its the same with fat chicks
hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
he told me my hair look so beautiful and as he was stroking it his fingers got caught in my BUMPIT. How are you supposed to explain that one?
is the shake weight an appropriate valentine's day present?
I have eleven tally marks and an infinity sign drawn on my wrist in permanent marker. Senior bar crawl stole my liver.
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
Chick took off her bra in the middle of class cuz it was "too hot." How's going out of state feel now?
Using the ceiling fan to slice the hotdogs in mid-air can only be contributed to our liberal use of 1800.
There were so few words spoken that I'm not sure if it was make-up or break-up sex.
She just landed. Popped over for a BJ and left. I'm a fan of layover layovers.
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
Whiskey chased with ice cubes? Here's a big FUCK THAT to that
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
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