His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
the semester is winding down: time to procrastinate by googling cheap keg options
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
What's the appropriateness of putting a 50 cent lyric in my gmas eulogy?
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
I remember tearing his shower curtain down but I don't remember trying to shave my vag...
I can't look at him without thinking about his cum face
I give him a gold star every time I orgasm. His room looks like he's freaking King Midas.
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
HELP THE ONLY THING THAT'S HELPING ME DISTINGUISH BETWEEN THE TWO OF THEM IS THE DIRECTION OF THEIR WINKY FACES OMFG
Passing out on a toilet is not classy no matter what you're wearing. Not even a pea coat.
I AM OFFERING YOU ALCOHOL AND THE CHANCE TO LET ME SAY FUCK IT TO MY RESPONSIBILITIES. HOW MANY TIMES DOES THIS HAPPEN?!
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
Randomize
