my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
I've blown a few things in my day
Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
I Just realized that having a picture folder that says "not for mom" may give off the wrong impression to wondering eyes
I think forcing your little sister to drink with you on a Wednesday when she has school the next day is the low point of alcoholism.
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
There was a bottle of vodka and chips in a vase next to the bed
This is final. The chair stays in the bathroom, we are too old to be puking from the floor, grown ups sit in chairs infront of the toilet to puke.
Or grown ups don't drink themselves into vomiting.
Maybe it's the vicodin, but all I wanna do is hunt wild hogs.
At this point, just throw that mattresses away. Or bronze it and display it as a testament to your shame. either is good.
Had sex with one of the guys from Ireland. Celebrating st pattys early.
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
Next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
Randomize
