dude i just saw the hottest 13 year old but she was kinda ghetto.
I made $300 today by selling pizza @ $4 a slice to nerds who refuse to leave the library. God I love finals time
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
i woke up wearing her shoes. this night isn't going on my highlight reel
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
I feel like I can hear facebook. What did we smoke?
I was trying to be an adult about it and simply deal with the situation, but a bowl seemed much more comforting.
I woke up this morning with a wristband and I thought I went to the hospital last night I actually went ice skating instead
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
Then years and years after that I will send you a picture of my warped vagina from all the kids that I had.
is it too much for me to say that i have a ziplock bag with ice in it in my underwear?
I fucked some frat guy. Then I found my brother after and made him take his shirt off and then I made him tell me he loves me
We turned a wake into a bar crawl.
you just have the mind of an innocent, non-tainted child.
YOU KNOW THAT'S BULLSHIT BECAUSE YOU'RE THE REASON IT'S BULLSHIT
He told me I was a good dog mom. I've never been so turned on in my life
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