Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
Drinking with birthday clown in the backyard shed at a 5 year olds birthday party at 12 in the afternoon. My life doesn't need any adjustments
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
Totally forgot this... How weird was it when they were licking our faces
we're on our way back. she tried to pants the waiter again.
Do you remember anything yesterday that led to needing a cup of couscous in my closet?
oh, you know. just sitting in my bed high as fuck wearing a windbreaker and watching british tv.
Just tell your mom you have to go somewhere half naked with a strange man. She'll understand
There is a midget in cheetah face paint on a leash here
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
We kept having to tell you that you couldn't just sit wherever you wanted at Walmart. Sitting in the middle of the raw meat section was unacceptable and children were staring at you.
I just want orgasms and emotional validation. Is that too much to ask?
Dude you where on that lil kids bike at 2 am ridin down the turning lane wearing only socks and a helmet singing born to be wild, no you weren't that fucked up
Jus pulled over and stole. Corn out of a. Field. ... get on my level
Randomize
