saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
No, I'm a firm believer in "Swallow or it isn't love."
my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
She turned over and said "You smell like my dad, i just can't do this"
On this egg donor form, it asks "In the past 5 years, have you had sex for drugs or money?" It only gives a yes or no option and no place to explain myself. What do I do?
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
Apparently "he pulled out..mostly" is not a valid reason for thinking there's no way i can be pregnant to the nurses at the student health center.
Omg. I bid $3000 on a cave in Afghanistan on EBay last night.
do you find it slutty that the last person I had sex with is also the person who sings my ringtone ?
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
So I've already made 5 bad decisions today, wyd?
He was wearing a diaper to the party. I've never felt like such a creep in my life.
Still riding the magical train of drugs so, yeah, Id say I feel great
Randomize
