so i decided not to tell her that her fiance is cheating since i already bought the bridesmaid dess
Let's go to weight watchers and eat in front of them.
whos cum tastes better, a guy who drinks apple juice or cranberry juice?
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
Yeah he got kind of mad when he found out he had chased his last two shots with a combination of orange soda, water, and used mouth wash.
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
You might be at the point of severe desperation when you gotta hold the two pieces of your broken vibrator together just to get off.
I am going to buy some m-80's and keep a bucket of them in the bathroom. That way I can just depth charge the toilet before each time I use it. Lets see how those snakes like cheap Chinese explosives
Oh, don't mind me, that's just my vagina rattling.
Also that boy who jizzed in me wearing Cowboy boots and a plaid shirt snapped me at 4 am and said "I owe you a dinner. Sorry"
I wanna eat mushrooms and cuddle with a million dogs at once. I wanna know what heaven is like
I fell out of my bed whilst trying not to move this morning. I AM ADULT
I had ice cream for breakfast two days in a row.
SUPER ADULTS
You were just laying there on the air mattress watching spongebob with a knife. We tried to take it from you, but you insisted it was your emergency escape in case you started to float off.
He’s 48, has a Prince Albert piercing and a white Range Rover
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