they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
They left me stranded on the side of the road with a table and five gallons of water. They said it was all I really needed to survive. People are staring
The bald eagles cry cause u drink canadian beer.
I am sleeping in the bathtub because my bed is too soft.
So yeah he had good weed?
Fuck these runners passing me on campus as I'm waking to dinner. With my huggie. With flavored vodka and rum. Aka yum
My dad just told me I can't passout in the driveway after the 4th of July parade this year, again
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
I just found a half a joint in my bed. . .don't know if this qualifies as a proud moment or a cry for help
he's a fucking beast. people that don't even know him have started calling him "puke and raleigh"
I found them in the bathroom trying to wrap an American flag around Steve's dick. I didn't bother to ask questions.
Never admit to being cold at those things. That is how you end up waking up the next morning naked under animal pelts... or so I have heard.
ICE CREAM AND CAKE BITCHESSSSSS
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
After drinking all day I popped an adderal, slammed three beers in a row, apparently told the bartender "thanks bitch" then ran on stage.
Randomize
