that speech was about as successful as her performance in twilight
He told me he had never done that before...I responded with "clearly"
I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
Call me immediately, my only recent boy news involves me biting a dick.
oh hey summer self, welcome to endless thirsty thursdays and walks of shame.
I just sneezed cum. He better have a damn good day at work.
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
By the way if you come home and I'm not wearing pants, just go with it. I didn't have the energy to go searching for some.
i think he spiked my sandwich with a viagra
Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
How exactly does one go about seducing an older, possibly blind gentleman?
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
I washed my sheets. I did out of respect for my previous and current sexual partners.
I behisseth at your soul from the deepest darkest depths of the earth
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