We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
He didn't know it yet but he was about to go down on me.
so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
Maybe you should go over there and lead him on and reach down his pants like he's about to get some and yank his balls.
That's the best idea I've heard all day.
after we had sex he went grocery shopping. at 6 am. i've never been more confused in my life
Easy for you to say! His first impression of you isn't the drunk girl in a turtle costume who got hit by a car!
We are possibly on our way, unless we see the limo full of strippers.
I wouldn't have puked last night if I didn't inhale straight pepper from you shattering the pepper shaker on the wall.
Weed is now completely legal in Colorado and Washington. I repeat weed is now legal! I'm putting a deposit down on a house as we speak.
ROADTRIP.
I just told the toilet I loved it. Bad sign.
Well, if it gives you any indication, when I got there, there was already some dude passed out naked in the treehouse.
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
Randomize
