Crown is evil. It plays hide and seek with my morals
I told her it just looked small because my balls were gigantic. She bought it.
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
At the bar. Madeline and I totally brought our own pitcher from home because they always run out. Hello alcoholism.
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
I've got the dick your vagina needs, but not the one it deserves right now.
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
I call him Seabiscuit because he's my trusty steed
This day took a left turn at "This is your going away party, I got a bunch of blow."
i dont think sending her flowers will make her forgive you running over her foot.
Yeah but the jokes on her right? We just got a new couch and hers still has a cum stain on it from like six months ago
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
Where are you guys?
Drunk
I did not shave my legs to sit at home and diddle myself. He better wake the fuck up and put the fear of god in me!
Randomize
