I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
i wanted to sleep on a waterbed so i filled up my bathtub so i could fall asleep in it...
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
I'm allowed to be upset. I've never had that many fingers in my ass
I wish you would just come have sex with me in ihop. I don't want to be here
I mean it was like cry my eyes out or masturbate in my moms bathroom.
I'm drinking with a guy who is a bigger asshole than me. We started a contest.
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
I AM EATING BACON AND CHEESE. FUCK THE BULLSHIT.
Can you tell dad to stop liking and sharing porn on FB again?
If Denver makes it to the Super Bowl I'll quit drinking. So I'm pretty much stocking up on booze
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
the last i saw he was butt naked on the top deck of the bus trying to conduct a drunken choir so i really have no idea
Randomize
