When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
yeah, he just sent me a picture of himself with his shirt off.... It didnt turn me on, it just made me want to buy him a big mac....
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
Year anniversary in a month. Think I'll just give him a COME ON MY FACE FREE card. I'm both broke and shameless.
I obviously couldn't but this on your fbook wall. I would get judge. I would willingly get tbagged by him. You can quote me on that.
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
Fucken Tweens. They smelled like cotton candy and hand jobs my nostrils were offended.
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
And the night ended with some random dude pissing on a car in a vain attempt to find a proper bathroom. We, the drunk, salute you, sir!
Give me a reason to not spend the rest of my evening high watching dogs 101 videos
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
I CALLED IT A FRIENDSHIP. NOT A I WANT YOUR MAN PARTS IN MY LADY PARTS-SHIP.
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
WTF I can't even get a boyfriend here and you're getting nudes from across the country
then I ended up getting a lapdance from my TA...I love college.
Randomize
