I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
Btw, whenever you feel discouraged about your life, think about me being frantically upset bc my mobile porn site limited me to only 5 videos a day
You then proceeded to tell me how good of a cook you were and put raw cookie dough in the champagne.
Some idiot from high school is in the hospital for bonging three beers up his ass
He should have died. Natural selection.
i'll booty call him tonight after the radiohead concert, that way he can see his favorite band and his favorite vagina all in one night.
He's grinding topless with a group of girls to that discovery channel song. May I take a message?
We fucked through the entire Destiny's Child album, it was a beautiful thing.
Just saw a man in a motorized chair roll by drinking a beer. It's 9:45 AM. I love Louisiana.
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
I think the pizza guy was in shock..
Well I didn't mean to answer the door only in socks but I mean come on, 4 hours of sex works up an appetite! I WAS RAVENOUS
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
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