fuck the hobbit
what about unicorns?
fuck those pointy horses
I don't know what's more sad: The fact that he fingered the side of my leg, or the fact that the side of my leg feels like a vagina.
You wanted to speak to the manager of mcdonalds as to why a "bag of cheeseburgers" isn't a menu option.
She spent a lot of time to get her cleavage to look that good. It would be rude not to stare. It shows you are paying attention. Chicks dig that.
We made out for three hours. Then she said she didn't sleep with redheads and left the party. So yes, I'm still drinking.
He used the phrase "no problemo" in a sext. It's over.
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
What do you need? A swimsuit and a liver of steel? What else?
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
Packing for college has become a game of where did I hide my sex toys.
I'd like to have a moment of silence for all the dicks she's broken off
Curing hangovers with more alcohol was a great idea for the first five days
I'm noticing I drink less and do fewer lines when I do both together.
Now that's what I call smart money management.
Randomize
