when she said she would show you her other bow, she ment she wanted you to bend her over and see the tattoo on her lower back you idiot
I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
Did we have sex last night or did we just wake up naked covered in oil?
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
New term. "Find a husband" fridays. It's like thirsty thursdays, but with a dowry.
am i so blindsided by his great personality that i'm hooking up with an ugly guy?
i thought you knew
No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.
Plan B, arranged marriage to a rich Indian, is rapidly becoming Plan A. Fuck Finals.
Whiskey dick has taught us to be smart with our time.
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
Had a turkey baster with clean pee in it in my pants to pass a drug test, and the bottom fell off, so yeah I'm pretty pissed.
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
He should just accept that I want his dick and his friendship. Can't he understand that I don't do emotions?
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
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