He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
he just invited me over for the 3 p's...pepsi pizza and porn...I'm gonna marry him
I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
Babies are disgusting. I held one once. Then I washed my hands and rinsed my mouth out with wine.
we have what I like to call an assload of ramen noodles
2012 needs to end already. I've exceeded my quota for People Who Have Accidentally Seen My Tits.
You're doing a terrible job of letting me hook up with girls vicariously through you.
I threw up in the darkest corner of the bar last night, then watched 2 girls freak out in disgust after walking through it. I then realised I puked on the dancefloor, took a picture and proceeded to send it to my mom.
Can you think of a sexual word rhyming with snorkel?
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
At one point I believe I was despencing medical advice while wearing a sombrero and a hulk hand
The coast is clear - also, would it bother you if I chose not to wear pants?
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
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