How do you tell someone they are only invited if they put out?
I love memorial day. It's drinking in the name of patriotism. God Bless America
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
So it's always a good weekend when you don't get any sleep, try opening a bottle of wine on rocks, and end up needing a tetanus booster for our stupidity... Same thing next weekend?
He came for an unexpected visit and let's just say I shattered his illusion that girls don't watch porn
You said you were uncomfortable with your body and then you started making whale noises
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
I didn't know I was invited to an orgy.
WINE AND FILM. TALK ABOUT AN UPGRADE FROM NETFLIX AND CHILL.
Tinder recommend to a friend: making threesomes easier since 2016
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
fucking him is like fucking old faithful. you could set your watch by his orgasms.
I do not recommend playing football on LSD like at all
Randomize
