Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
I didn't shave. On purpose
the amount of times i have wished for a boxed wine emoticon is almost alarming. almosttt
Apperanlty I was screaming "It's hard to swim with a broken ankle sir" and then tackled the lifeguard. The joys of blackouts
Me+graduation party+hammered drunk+polish horseshoes in the dark= black eye, crying, pissed, passed out in my dress... How was your weekend?
She looks like a junkie muppet...awful
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
He's living a porn movie. He's slept with a waitress at her work for lunch, a bar tender at the bar that night, and the cleaning lady the next morning.
i seriously haven't spoken to him since i drunk dialed him and told him i loved his beard
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
i think god would be more upset with me for turning down such a beautifully crafted cock than he would for me liking girls
She shit all over my seat. She is not allowed in my car under any circumstances. Not even with drugs. You can't forgive a shit.
I've been here 20 minutes and a sweaty naked man has kissed me on the cheek.
I'll take "things you shouldn't say to a guy you just met in a bar" for 100!
I woke up next to my bosses toilet.i wish you had just left me in the neighbors yard.
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