it was all downhill after the free blackjack taco
she just made a shot glass out of magazine paper. I love her.
I'm pretty sure if an eight year old calls you a whore.. it's true. just saying.
you kept yelling at her to "show me your genitals" until the bouncers told us to leave...at which point you showed them YOUR genitals...
please don't ever take me to a strip club again...
As I was driving her home she congratulated each and every deer we saw for making it through the first day of dear season.
No worries. It'll grow back. I mean, hey, my eyebrows grew back after he shaved them off. So it's all good.
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
Well it's been 24 hours and I still feel like a mammoth sat on my balls
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
You're telling me he never had to ask for a blow job and he STILL broke up with you? I call bullshit on that one.
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
Matched with the lumberjack. Here's your wedding invite.
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
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