When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
gin and tonic in a mug. no limes so im using canned madarin oragnes. classy or trashy?
homeless.
The mystery has been solved. Seagulls have sex doggy-style.
She keeps stunt undies in her bag, 2 sizes too small. She leaves them behind so the guy thinks he was luckier than he was...
As a female I reserve the right to put my ipod in my cleavage because I have no pockets and not get judged by other girls right??
I think drinking everclear was a better idea than taking a night class.
No, it wasn't really a sexy 'I'm going to go masturbate.' It was an 'I'm going to go masturbate' that implied I was going to drink a tall boy of Mikes and cry while I looked at lesbian porn.
I've been back for one day and I've already given two bjs. Improvement from last year.
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
Send me a picture of our booze closet. I'm homesick.
Slept with the roommate last night and also discovered that she believes in eugenics. I may need to slow down my drinking
This is why people in Buffalo die of heart attacks. This and wings
Randomize
