nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
I don't want end up bound and gagged in the back of a van headed for rehab. Bound and gagged OK. Just not the rehab part.
I just need you there to slap my dick when im flirting with her
I don't remember. I remember laying in the trunk of a car. For hours.
All i want to do is drink fuck and cry... you dont have to cater all three its more like the saddest choose your own adventure ever
The highlight of the night was when he yelled "WAS THIS CONDOM MADE FOR TODDLERS??"
I have bad memories with every alcohol but we manage to work through the problems for the good of the relationship
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
I explained to him that me turning straight is a once a year thing. And this boy just happens to be the chosen one.
As I was blowing him, he proceeded to tell me that his friend who I blew years ago gave me a five star review on my BJ skills. And, he agrees.
Atta girl.
fuck school, let's just become the worst strippers ever
I really need to get a comfy set of masturbating shoes
See I just want a dick that I don`t have to deal with or talk to unless it is inside me. Is that so much to ask for?
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