Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
vicodin is the reason why I believe in magic
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
She gave me a handjob while eating a mcdouble with mayo on the way home from the bars at 2 in the morning. Car was full of people. This could be forever
I can't break up with him, I ran the math. Taking into account his 7 inch penis and the standard deviation from average, almost 90% of guys should have a smaller penis than he does.
Really? Penis math? This is why guys shouldn't date female engineers.
We sang "Whole New World" in harmony and he spun me around. You may now barf from the cuteness.
Turns out, his fucking is as lame and staggered as his NFL career.
It is way too early in the summer for me to be coming into work still drunk.
casual night just sitting in the kitchen at 2 am eating stale chips and hot sauce while my friends younger sister is cleaning all the blood off my body
telling her she was ovary-acting wasn't the greatest idea. doing it in a text so she could see your spelling was where you really went wrong, though.
My tuesday consisted of speaking to a federal agent for two hours and watching a roving band of gypsies jump over a fire until 2:30am
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
i'll...probably just offer you drugs?
i'll...probably take them in all honesty
so does the amount of bruises on my arms and legs mean we had fun last night?
Randomize
