I think i sorta joined a cult last night
brass monkey on radio. cant stop dancing.
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
He came out in cowboy boots and underpants holding a beer while he hugged my mom. I love Montana.
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
I just bought $54 in Easter crap to try and blend in the pregnancy test... And FYI, it totally worked.
I actually have to watch Breaking Bad to make me feel better about my choices last night.
Remember that time you gave me a fat lip with your vag? We should do that again!
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
the cuervo was good, but I started with jello shots. and when i threw up a whole jello shot came out.
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
Randomize
