Got bored today and made list of places in apt I want to have sex. One includes opening and coming out the window.
If I die, please delete the word file entitled "Rainy Day"
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
Someone shattered a urinal.
Don't worry. This time I'll get black out drunk so they'll just think it's an American thing.
Her inability to understand the word "moderation" is the achille's heel of an otherwise perfect human
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
YOU STOLE THE WEDDING CAKE?!?!
Only one tier
Tastes like cardboard anyway
You made a glowstick headband with a helium balloon tied around it and climbed a tree in high heels. I was impressed.
we broke up because he couldn't handle the fact that i've slept with more girls than he has. also, i've slept with the girl he's seeing now.
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
I forgot her safe word. It was a rough night.
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
You tried to eat your way through the wall. Like you literally tried to eat drywall and insulation.
I’m making a jello mold of my penis
Will it be as disappointing as your actual penis?
Randomize
