I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
I don't want to talk about it. He was like the Little Engine that couldn't get me off.
Hulk Hogan has now convinced 2 women to marry him & I have yet to have a successful or healthy relationship. I am officially depressed.
tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner.
I kept telling myself all night that it was completely okay for me to lose all sense of my morals because it was my birthday.
Just got judged by the front desk clerk, 2 maids and a security guard at the Sheraton. I've decided to use this as a character building experience.
she showed up with nothing but olive garden breadsticks in her purse.
Just to prove a point, she called and ordered a pizza 10 min before she ordered the blow and it still got here first. I may never leave LA.
I told you!!! And that is why he's the drug dealer to the stars.
Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame
That is a hangover
I would prefer a headache
We met a guy named Raymond. You called him ramen all might and told him you would eat him up, "like sex, on a budget."
Dylan just paid 30 bucks to have himself wrapped in the clear plastic they wrap luggage in at the airport. Bring scissors.
I just got St Patricks day and the day after St Patricks day off, wich I'm pretty sure is as close to a raise as I'll ever get.
I still don't know his name but his ass is spectacular. Like he should never wear pants.
My roommate walked in on my inserting a tampon. Somehow, I don't think this will be improving our relationship.
Turns out my mom didn't really want to know I was in a new dimension last night from smoking so much.
Randomize
