Your roommate was biting my friend last night. It was weird.
I call it my summer of slut; except summer lasts from May until December. It's been incredibly successful
Hope your thanksgiving is a complete blowjob festival.
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
You made out with two different species that night
So good!! I became real good friends with an adorable black lesbian couple from Baltimore and a man in a diaper.
Please, by all means, tell me what can't be helped by two stiff drinks & a blowjob?
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
Just sitting in the tub googling "how to remove sharpie from skin". You?
As for the other mouse...I don't have any mouse traps so I put a Jell-O shot on the ground. Party hard little dude.
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
I must stop trying to make out with my friends when I'm hammered.
you blew the guy with all the harry potter paraphanelia didn't you
I have two choices: tits or tacos. I just can't decide.
I think I am just gonna marry that lesbian. She is more of a respectful gentleman than any of the guys I've slept with.
Randomize
