FYI you just passed out mid-blow job. Consider this my letter of resignation.
I don't think you have the libido for two women at the same time
I think you underestimate the amount of time spent masturbating
At what point in my life was I not hugged enough to be on my fourth walk of shame in half as many weeks?
surprisingly enough, it isn't that uncomfortable to have sex with a heart monitor on
He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
Yeah Greg found him eating out of a tuna can with a pill cap
My month off booze swimsuit season diet plan is working well. Plus I'm learning so much about my house, did you know a girl named Meagan lives here?
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
Just broke into a house and crawled through a window. Upside: getting laid.
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
We had sex on a couch that was held together by Velcro. Want to know an unsexy sound? Velcro ripping apart under your bare ass.
My roommate just woke up to me masturbating in our room. I figured this would happen eventually.
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
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