My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
Have you ever noticed how boring internet porn is after you cum? I can't shut my computer fast enough.
I wish they made helmets for livers.
i wanna pet his head its so fluffy. were gonna open a petting zoo
I remember desperately screaming that I love my life and running in zig zags all the way home
Hindsight is 20/20. Or a bladder infection.
I'm back here naked if anyones wondering
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
this hospital has no fireball
I can't decide if I'm depressed or if this is just what life without a bidet feels like.
considering I just took 3 shots of fireball I don't think I'm coming back tonight. also the hulk just walked in crushing beer cans on his forehead
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
Oh god...Did I just fuck a sugar granddaddy?!
I have 4 more smokes and 6 more beers to go before I make a life changing decision like that.
I’ve been home 1 day and already had sex with my ex and got a blowie from her cousin and currently I’m getting molested by a cougar at the bar!!!! Plenty to give thanks for this year!!!!
Randomize
