Whod you bang
What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
I just dropped my cookie in my glass of milk and looked at it for ten minutes. Thanks for telling me you made weed cookies.
Yeah, I think they knew. I smelled like that telltale combination of strippers and Easter.
currently pooping in a public restroom while drinking free beer. there has never been a finer line between awesome and depressing.
She's gone now. Left with the wind like a majestic leaf that just rides the invisible current to locations unknown. And dude, her friends were really hot.
He tried to spell out "PROM?" in his cum on my stomach during sex. It was terrible
well did you say yes?
Come get me...we were walking home and she kept yelling "people need to get run over more!" then she just sat down in the middle of the street saying "it just feels right."
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
If you bet guys that you can drink them under the table they will pay for your drinks all night until they pass out. I have this down to a science that I think even my dad would appreciate.
If he gets me coffee, cold or no I'll make him see Jesus with my mouth.
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
Randomize
