I start off june hungover/still drunk stumbling down my driveway with the trashcan at 6am..it's gonna be an interesting month
Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
This is so stupid. Now I have to call the party planner and tell her that the break up party is off. They decided to get back together.
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
I just bought 1/2 a fifth of vodka out of an old school baby carriage from a homeless man. Gotta love this city.
Nyquil jello-shots aiding in health and happiness
tried doing a cartwheel after 10 beers. Guess who has a dislocated shoulder.
The basket that the Naughty Easter bunny left for you at my house might keep us entertained for a little while...
If you want me to retract my crazy cat lady comments pictures of yourself dressed as a cat are not the way to do it.
How the fuck did I get back? Last thing I remember is being on some hot guy's shoulders yelling at girls shaking their asses
We'll talk about it later...
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
I guess there's no delicate way to say "I'm 90% sure I sucked his dick in the bathroom of the bar."
I mean, it's a romantic picture of pubes if I've ever seen one
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