Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
Roller skating + drunkeness + peeing = mess
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
gonna sleep on the stairs... to drunk to keep going up, way to drunk to go down, gonna find a comfy spot right here... its safer that way
is it bad that upon arriving to my fourth sex toy party the sex toy lady instantly recognizes me?
Just found a dugout in my rental car glove box. Suddenly my mood is upbeat.
I'm on his itunes. He has a sex playlist. It's actually not so much a playlist as 12 Kylie Minogue songs with a big gay Whitney finish.
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
Nope we are at the ER my brothers crazyass neighbor kinda stabbed him in the neck. He's gonna be fine.
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
Just Peed in a cup for my country. Fighting the good fight.
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
Just an FYI you do have to wear pants to lunch
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
Randomize
