Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
i was watching some porn this morning and i realized i am blessed with a truly beautiful vagina
Sorry I had passed out by this time I think, with the chicken fingers ON my face in my bed, with all the lights on, and ketchup all over.
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
we did rock-paper-scissors to see who would find out if you had alcohol poisoning
I know i should have focused more on what you were saying in the text rather than the fact you spelt "suicidal" wrong
You missed practice last night. You owe at least 8 hours of liver sprints.
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
I don't care if there's a party or not. I just want to be half naked in a cape with a never-ending supply of alcohol within arm's length at all times. Make it happen.
So we played the stone cold theme song and continued to chug 2 beers at once and everyone just looked in shock
I think I'm a wingman for every guy who bangs a girl I scarred in highschool.
when i got home she was standing in my front yard not wearing a shirt and halfway crying/ halfway laughing
Although now I have "number of cheese slices" as a unit of boob measurement in my head.
Do you know how close I got to throwing him over the edge of the canyon?
Randomize
