jackpot. dress really slutty so he knows you mean business
I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
I got kicked out of a mexican restaurant last night for being too drunk. This is getting dangerously close to rock bottom
I saw someone get arrested while I was moving out...this has to be a good sign.
you tried turning the bar into a spelling b competition last night and every time someone couldn't spell something you would make them chug.
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
So it finally happened last night... I re-met someone that i've already had sex with. Had no idea who he was. Fantastic
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
We lost power at midnight which freaked out my roomate and friends. The power came back on 30 minutes later. We are now at the bar having "the rapture came and we were left behind" shots
Also. When I die, I'm gonna have them put me in the casket naked and then have an open casket funeral. That will be my last chance to make people uncomfortable.
I round house kicked her emotions in the face
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
I’m not saying you’re wrong, I’m just saying he’s denying what you’re saying.
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