Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
When you come back do you think I could print anorexic pictures of Mary-Kate?
chipotle is closed for thanksgiving... I am officially thankful for NOTHING.
Next time i try to unbutton my R.A's shirt with my teeth, please stop me
No promises.
our health teacher's ringtone is Bad Romance and she has a tramp stamp. i will not skip this class, ever.
I think we can all look back on last night and categorize it under, " reason why Cory can't be left at the bar by himself"
Dude, she found the red hair dye from 4th of July. then she proceeded to give you a red mohawk for a more patriotic thanksgiving eve. How do you not remember that?
My philosophy is thug life and that means never having to say your sorry for stealing drinks off tables
I beer bonged before it even hit 4 o' clock. Please get on my level homecoming style.
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
It's always appealing to be able to say to someone "I banged your mom"
just called AAA to get my keys out of me car and then afterwards realized they were in my pocket...stoner life
Randomize
