If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
I hate fucking guys that don't drink coffee. My morning hangover and shame will not be cured by your stupid tea.
then she made me sanitize my hands before fingering her...i may have found my soulmate
the thought 'we cant do it, we're in a public place' crossed my mind, and then I realized he's succeeding if he's trying to domesticate me.
elevator sex. pronto.
i now officially have to be stoned in order to look like my passport when i go to a different country
I'm at about main and main street
Apparently, Mom was less-than-happy about us shotgunning beers before we opened presents.
Guys with integrity exist just to rain on my slut parade.
My going away gift was all of them dancing around with solo cups on their dick and balls...these are my friends
I GOT JUDGED BY A GUY WORKING AT THE LEAST CLASSY STRIP CLUB. Peeing isn't a right, it's a privilege.
Are there any rules against fucking the hot TA?
Maybe for her....
Her problem, not mine
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
am drunk, naked, and blow drying cat. need adult supervision
Randomize
