Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
I wish my mouth had a period so that could be my excuse on those days I don't feel like giving head
woke up with food on the counter from chipotle, taco bell, green cactus, and on the border take out. explain?
you were trying to get this Spanish chick to sleep with you. you were showing her how much you "loved her native food."
It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.
We made a bong out of a plastic football. I can honestly say we make a good team.
Aj and I already plan to tape our thumbs to our palms so we know how it feels to be a t-rex.
She just tried to snort granola up her nose but its ok she's not bleeding.
and then we all passionately sang "what if god was one of us" until everyone passed out in the grass
its weird that my cat bites every fat chick i bring home. i repeat every fat chick, qhT KINDA FRIEND ARE YOU
you should probably know that there's a naked dude in your window
i wouldn't normally say anything but you seem to not be there
preface to our conversation: my vagina hurts.
I have weed and a speedo - I don't need anything else.
there is a tent in the living room. its a vip tent room. i want in.
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
He sided with his father, so I slashed his tires. I’d say that’s a fair trade.
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