walking in back of a girl wearing booty shorts, a halter and a bracelet that says trainwreck. I don't get it. The first day of nice weather and all the whores come out, are they like hibernating bears or something?
just took my temp. 103. i wonder how tylenol and jager bombs are gonna mix
He kept saying that the puke outside the theater wasn't his and it was all a set up to keep him from partying with the whores. Then he passed out on the sidewalk.
Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
New drinking game. Every time Romney and Santorum switch leads, take a shot.
....this is what your political science major is getting you?
the only two hours i was sober on this trip and i managed to break my toe. no one will believe this.
I AM CRUING IT IS 93:2 AM AND I AM CYGIN INT BED
Bitch guess who just got a fucking taser
WHY WERE YOU COOKING NAKED?
WHY WERE YOU SLEEPING ON MY COUCH?
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
That's really the only reason I'm dating you, the prospect that I might get bacon
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
The abomination is in progress. At least one barista side eyed me and the other has fear in her eyes
Randomize
