The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth
He's playing farmville on his phone while puking over the toilet..
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
I saw a stripper quit while on stage to months ago nothing you tell me will amaze me
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
A group of drunk Marines just serenaded me, never leaving this place
This is gonna be a long day for my vagina and I
My new boobs got me 12 drinks at the concert. Whose the real winner here?
No, the high point was when you stood on a chair and shouted you were the god of tits and wine.
apparently i came home last night raving about goats and singing songs from muppet treasure island
I'm scrolling through our convo thread and all we talk about is pizza, alcohol & dick with the occasional "I miss you" thrown in.
my ex logged me out of his netflix so im gonna fuck his bestfriend as revenge
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
Can you cover for me after lunch? I’ve never seen a guy who cums as much as my new Side Dick so now I need to clean the house before my husband gets home
Randomize
