Well i threw up in my mouth a few times. But i successfully swallowed it. Still going strong.
Okay I'm all about any plan that ends with "We're gonna get you drunk."
Going to get tested monday. You're coming with. Bonding time, slut style.
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
Woke up with a $50 attached to my penis with a rubber band..
Sweet. Tell little Richard to buy us a sack and a pizza.
He signed my ass with a Waffle House pen.
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
the fact you finally accept your bi don't shock me but as your fuck buddy I expect you girls to go family style on me
He also sent me nipple clamps because romance is NOT dead
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
Randomize
