Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
I wish all the girls i wanted to sleep with knew how big my dick was then id have a better chance
I decided that not getting a job after college is gods way of telling me I will make a great housewife
i got last night's adventure to take the garbage out when he was leaving. my vagina is THAT good.
i was the DD for the swedish students tonight. Got paid 23 dollars for driving 10 miles. gotta love ignorance and the confusion conversion brings.
i just wanna lock my vagina in a safe filled with bandaids and healthy things
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
Ummmm you know you're drinking vodka out of a Skittles bag, right?
Babies are disgusting. I held one once. Then I washed my hands and rinsed my mouth out with wine.
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
You slapped my ass and yelled "HOOTY TOOTY WHAT A BOOTY" in a Schwarzenegger voice
I mean you can one up her. Instead of ruining friendships you can ruin marriages.
Bro I just got a hand job playing tiny wings.. Hell yea
At least they took the pillow of my bed before they had sex. My friends are so polite.
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