life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
you might want to delete the history when you're done using the computer at work. did you ever find out what the white balls in your throat were?
I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
I just realized that the music from spongebob is also used in real sex HBO.
i drank out of my shoe...were you seriously expecting me to be the voice of reason?
Have you ever tried running while drinking 151?
while you laid on the ground I poured water into your mouth out of dog bowl some random guy walks by and said now that's what I like to see.
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
Home. Barefoot. Drunk. Crying. Puked. Brushed teeth. Washed face. Dying. Need Cuddle.
Yeah, this dress is irreparably whorey. I've resigned myself to being a family scandal.
Tell him to dress up like Shaggy and kidnap him then bring him to me. We can pretend. Imaagination.
I saw Nicolas Cage's face in the moon. Those were good shrooms.
Nice. The Governor's son bruised my vagina.
That's going to be the title of my memoir.
A friendship for the ages born on how horny we both are
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
Randomize
