All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
I cannot believe we're comparing my vagina to Mary Poppins and a black hole.
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
I'm pretty sure there was a language barrier but he knew what "harder" meant.
I think I've reached that age where I should start dating "congrats" and not "are you keeping it?"
I doubt were getting our security deposit back... the toilet just fell off the wall
He never gives up. He's like the fucking little engine that could of hook ups
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
He let me keep my Michael Jordan Bulls jersey on during sex.
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
You throw up behind 1 mannequin and it's world war 3 in forever 21
It was a mess. I sat on the kitchen floor with maple whiskey and cried into a bowl of poutine. I've never even been to canada
I just pulled a seven inch black hair out of my ass. Pretty sure that means we're dating now
You're never the same once you're dry humped on the frat house floor
I've scurried myself in your trunk come find me in the morning
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