i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
im not an educated person. i just do things. and it works out in my favor
You weren't lying about those ceramics students giving the best hand jobs.
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
Friday was tragic. I was naked on top of him and he didn't have a condom. Oh and he had an Obama poster on the wall in front of his bed so our president was staring down at me while I was naked. I felt sorta bad.
You should've just screamed yes we can!
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
All I remember is doing a naked tuck and roll of your bed.
You fell out of the chair and then lifted your foot saying, "If my foot could give you the middle finger it would."
Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat dat dat dat dat ~uterus contraction~
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
Do you think I'm short enough to dress up in a ghost costume and go trick or treating and have people believe that I'm actually a child?
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
Do you remember coming over and asking for toast and then singing that yeah toast song very loudly while you were dropping my bread all over my kitchen?
I can’t believe I made out with a flat earther and didn’t know about it until now!
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
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