I seriously love my fucking boobs. They are so boobs.
this kid in class is playing minesweeper and just slammed the desk because he lost. thank god were normal.
She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
The girl who overdosed in the bathroom at work is back....help?
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
There's a time and a place for everything. Except for getting wasted at a work event, puking in the parking lot, and sleeping in your car overnight.
i just stole a 8 pack of olde english 40s and 2 roles of duct tape. we are going to make edward proud tonight.
Is cereal technically a soup?
Fuck, I'm high.
It's like we're in an emotionally distant three-way and there's not even sex to show for it.
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
Yea I went out in footie pajamas and still got laid. Good night for u?
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
Wanna buy a dildo with me during your lunch break tomorrow?
He was cute in a Sketchy-trying-to-sell-you-a-vaccum-at-9-at-night kinda way.
Randomize
