Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
Another night, another sound of my neighbor almost having an orgasm.
And she used to have such long ones. Sad.
Yeah not really sure what I said but I remember "douchebag" and "fuck your own face"
To a 70 year old lady?!
she fell through a window trying to flash someone
sick fucks of a feather flock together
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
ok thanks goodnight
Also before you go to bed i just have to get it out there that i really like macklemore as a person
Again. I'm very sorry I tried to poke your eye out. You've been aware of my inability to aim since day one.
We got a lap dance! I touched a boob!
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
I'm not gonna ask the guy I've fucked like 3 times if he is insecure about his eyebrows.
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
you better come over.. I need a witness to help prove the couch talks to me
Randomize
