Youll never guess who has to go to fucking planned parenthood because trojan cant make a fucking condom
Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
OMG THIS GUYS LICENSE PLATE IS GETTNHRWET
His mom walked into the kitchen smiling, made a scotch on the rocks, hit my bong, and told us goodnight enthusiastically. He's suddenly more appealing to me.
i just kept saying he was red & i was blue and we couldnt become purple. I started crying at one point
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
I bet his dick wears a tuxedo.
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
I was dancing with a blow torch in one hand and a bowl of weed in the other
I was 100% done.. I used my vibrator while eating cold pizza. Shit was magical.
What's sexier than showing up smelling like fast food cigarettes with a jar of moonshine in your hand
I'm sorry about all of the innappropriate shoe throwing
you stood in front of the mirror for 20 minutes and finally said, "he can hear everything i'm saying inside my head. we need to leave." now try and tell me there is no such thing as too high.
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