so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
are you wasted or are you getting laid?
ebdebdebdebd
wow
it was beautiful and magic like when a hot girl grabs her own tits and smiles at you
if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
i think you walked me home, then i felt bad for putting you through the trouble so i walked you home...i'm not sure how i got home after that.
The plan is to make enough mistakes this weekend to hold me over until spring break
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
I was high last night eating a fudge bar and making eggs with toast and corned beef hash for a 2 am snack and my dad asked what I was and the only reply I could think of was "I'm an adult."
We don't know where he is but he left his pants and what appears to be a tooth here so he's gotta come back sometime
Is there like a dick file on me? Guys can't hold two dicks anymore?! Who are you people????
Seriously. Are we going out tonight? If we're not, I'm going to put on sweatpants and do drugs.
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
what happened last night?
we watched you eat an entire bag of dorritos in the pouring rain... you refused to come inside
Randomize
