I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
Just saw a maroon grand am stop on my street, the driver opened the door, vomited, and then drove away like nothing happened. Been there, done that.
I just found a pubic hair on my dick that wasn't mine.
yes you're required to wear a bikini its the snowpocalypse beach party
Some Russian dude just came up to us and I'm pretty sure he offered his girlfriend to have sex for 80 bucks. Whoever said porn movies were unrealistic.
Why the hell did you smack that girls beer out of her hand at the end of the night then buy her a double jack and coke for?
Its called bad cop laid cop.
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
I would just like to point out that someone I had sex with drove me so I could have sex with you. I deserve some type of "most loyal booty call ever" award.
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
The only word that describes how much hair I shaved off of my ass is "considerable".
I don't know if I'm more excited about sex or that I have an excuse to smoke a cigarette
There was a clear and well defined point last night where I could've decided to go home but no now I've woken up with glitter all over my nuts and potentially an std or 2
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
Oh. My. God. I. Am. Going. To. Punch. Someone. In. The. Face. Immediately.
Questions: How did Rachel get home? Why did I find both her ID's in my shoes? And does anyone know if she's alive?
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