My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
so today in my theology class we brought up the proper way to have sex. so rough sex was said by the teacher...I said I know a girl that likes to be choked. sorry but everyone knew it was you
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
I bought this skirt with every intention to have it wrapped around my tits by the end of the night. So, I'm not a whore. I'm a self-fulfilling prophecy.
When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.
Um...celebrating is an understatement. You flashed the guy at the mexican restaurant and then screamed, "It's just my bikini, I swear!"
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
Excuse me while I download incredibly disturbing porn until I'm more ashamed of myself than of my country.
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
Not much, just taking another sorting hat quiz while waiting for this porno to finish buffering
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
I just love that a strip club has taco Tuesday.
Why can I remember how tall Nicki Minaj is from looking up her height once months ago, yet after weeks into the semester I can't even remember where any my classrooms are located
Importance
Long story short wrist restraints, Apple Watch and cumming all don’t mix
Randomize
