ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
I slept face down in the dirt because I wanted to go camping?
DIN'T JUSGE NE.
Every concussion has its silver lining
He seems to have a lot of things figured out and most of the answers involve bourbon
Dude, I need a lifestyle change. I'm to old to be making out with chicks in foam parties, letting older chicks get all excited because I let them put their hands up my shirt, and running around doing scavenger hunts with 18 yr old chicks.
Can I come over? I respect you, but I want disrespectful things to happen
Lying naked in bed eating carrot cake of off my bare breasts while watching Family Guy. Tonsilitis isn't all bad!
I think you just described to us the most perfect drunken fairy tale that has somehow never been written
ok but bondage is pretty much my easy mode
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
I got here. Mom yelled "drink of the day is blueberry sangria" and next thing I knew I was on a slip and slide.
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
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