The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
I ended up in a shower with 9 people and a bunch of unopened beer last night. I think I got peed on. Hands were everywhere. We sold the peed on beer to people knocking on the hotel room door.
Wow, now I'm sad I didn't go.
TOMORROW NIGHT CAN I HOLD YOU LIKE A BABY
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
can we get vodka so I have an excuse for being an emotional wreck
I'm not asking you to commit. I'm politely asking your penis to be my friend.
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
I'm sure it's not the worst thing to ever come out of my ass
Hey your work video crashed my computer. The 8 pornos running in the other window didn't. Congratulations.
I pulled up iMessage on my computer and I'm pretty sure two people in my class saw that dick pic you sent. Sorry!
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
I feel like the dump I just dropped is the most successful thing I've done so far today.
He still want's to kick my ass for fucking his sister, probably a bad idea to leave the bar with his ex...
Randomize
