i can juggle bunnies
cool
on fire
I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
I woke up to him peeling the skin on my stomach from my sunburn. If he wasn't so good in bed I'd be a little freaked out.
dude there's no way we're going back in there for your puke shoes
He is just lying there. People are throwing money onto his chest as they walk by...
Fortunately for myself I'm twice as smart and half as drunk as everyone else. All things considered I'm leaving here three-to-five times richer than when I arrived.
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
Because you work where i will be drunk tonight I'm asking you. Is a shirt required on Halloween?
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
I JUST GOT WOKEN UP TO HIM PISSING ON ME SAYING "IT HAS TO HAVE WATER TO GO TO THE BATHROOM" AND AFTER HE FINISHED HE DIDNT REMEMBER DOING IT
Omg my orgasm just made the fucking sun come out. Clearly my libido controls the weather now.
Is it weird that I was turned on when he told me he had a vasectomy?
I knew you two would hit it off
remember when we said that thing when we met about how we were each glad we weren’t furries
ok listen,
Legit sprained my cooter. No joke. Icing her down as we speak.
Do you remember punching the light out in the bathroom? I didn't, and that was at bar 2 of 4…
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